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Give up or Get up

What I learnt when I picked myself up.
~ Dwi Sisiwanti

Well, I do have many injuries ranging from mild to bad.

A little bit of history: I started my practice because of a hormone imbalance while breastfeeding my first child. My diligence in the yoga practice helped to regulate my hormones to a healthy condition, thus I never had second thoughts about stopping the practice since.

In the 16 years of my yoga practice, i paused my practice for two months because of the confinement of my second child, ten months to my mourn the death of my parents, two surgeries (I had three months break for each surgery), and two bad injuries (tore my hamstring till my sacrum was shifted and dislocated left shoulder) forcing me to rest for three months for each injury.

From my point of view, physical injury is something visible. Having to lose both parents within ten months and hearing your doctor suggest surgery before a Pre-cancer cervix becomes cancer are the same feeling as with any physical injury.

Number one, I was feeling angry. Next comes the feeling of devastation and then every other emotion decided to appear simultaneously. For those physical injuries, I had the patience to pace myself to slow down, allowing my muscles to recover. I took supplements I needed to support the recovery. Meditation and pranayama always enabled me to reconnect with my mind to allow me to heal and overcome the fear and trauma I picked on along the way.

However the inner fear and grief I was having with the “pre-cancer” possibility still stuck on me. Two people I love in my family died because of cancer; My mom (breast cancer) and my aunt (best cancer ever “Brain cancer”). These make my brain on a high wire that causes my body and muscles to be super tense.

In yoga, there are Panca Kosha or five layers to create blissfulness within yourself.

The 1st two layers are the most important to develop your prana or energy: Annamaya Kosha (physical layer) and Manomaya Kosha (mind layers). When either one is disturbed, our Pranamaya Kosha (Energy layer) will fluctuate.

Yoga practice helps me to overcome all those shitty situations. That’s the only time I can talk softly without biting myself up. That’s the only time I accept that I am not that strong, but I did the best I could at that moment. I give myself a tap on my shoulder mentally if I can manage the pose, “Good Job, Dwi”.

I proudly share the fact that I do cry during my meditation or even Savasana when my grief comes because I miss my parents so badly. Any injury I had, I healed my mind, not blaming myself but accepting what had happened. It won’t be a fast recovery. Nothing can be fast forward, but I have learned everyday and I am still learning.

Yoga is becoming my middle man between me and my physical self, myself and my mind, myself and my soul. I am able to maintain that connection with my parents through meditation. Nothing is smooth sailing in practice, just like life. We will grow when we are consistent. Yet the test will come when you start getting occupied with work, having a kid, having an injury, moving to another place, having a relationship or going through a break up, etc.

“If yoga is your home, you will always go back home.”

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